Recaps, commentary, highlights of your pop culture favourites and mine! Email me: timmybopper@yahoo.com

 
Something has been seriously distressing me lately and even though I said I would no longer write sad, hopeless, entries, I must open up and get something off my chest.

And by "open up," I mean Britney Spears has got to close her va-jay-jay! And by "chest" I mean er... Britney needs to reign those puppies in and class it up a little! Wait check that -- she needs to classy it up A LOT!

Two weeks ago, we all let out a collective "YES!" as Britney dumped her freeloading trailer trash "rapper" and "husband" Kevin Federline and went into what we thought was her comeback mode. Then I picked up an issue of OK Magazine that proclaimed "Britney Turns To Justin" and my teenybopper past came rushing back quicker than you could say "YTV Hitlist." I was so convinced that Brit Brit was bringing faux-virginal-yet-still-sort-of-skanky-sexy back. "She'll show all the haters," I said in my trying really hard to be cool voice.

But sadly, the only thing she's shown us lately is her coochie coochie yaya da-da. And the whole OK Magazine article turned out to be false. (Boo! US Weekly all the way!) Now Britney's trying to show us the fact that she can "hang" with the best of them.

Sadly, her idea of "the best of them" equates to Paris Hilton, Linday HOhan and - gross! - Brandon Davis. I was going to post the pic of Britney and Brandon together but I couldn't stomach seeing a photo of that fat greasy pig again. And I don't want to see a pic of Brandon either. Ohh SNAP! (But seriously guys, the four of them together is like an STD waiting to happen...y'know?)

Here at the office -- namely the place of higher journalism known as NY1 -- my co-workers and I have been saddened by Britney's sorry state to the point where we can't even mention her name anymore. We've resorted to just giving each other knowing looks followed by a shrug of the shoulders and a long sigh. Then we quietly rotate our IPOD to "You Drive Me Crazy" and do a little chair dance for old times sake.

We really had high hopes for her. And the public was totally on her side again too. But now I fear Miss Spears has lost her place on top for good. It's sad when K-Fed is the better dressed out of the two. And sadder when Courtney Love is the sober one.

My greatest fear? That Britney will attempt to resuscitate her career by trying an MTV reality show. "It worked for Jessica," she'll say. "Why won't it boost my career too?"

Because you did the reality show thing Britney. And it was terrible. Remember "Chaotic?" Oh crap, the theme song is stuck in my head now.

Let's just say we've seen enough of Britney's "other talents." It's time to put away the exhibitionism and start doing something productive, like say... making music? And by "music" I mean a poptastic song that will be full of cheesy lyrics, breathy vocals and some kind of trashy -- yet still attractive -- video. That would be awesome.

And we'll fall in love with Britney all over again.
posted by Tim at 2:06 PM