Recaps, commentary, highlights of your pop culture favourites and mine! Email me: timmybopper@yahoo.com

 
6 Rumors I'd LOVE to start:

1. Nick Lachey finally tires of his wife's constant whinning and party-girl antics and gets rid of her once and for all. He says the reason is not because she cheated on him with Johnny Knoxville but rather because he can't stand how hypocritically-obssessed with looks this girl has become after naming her past CD "In this Skin" (to tell girls to be comfortable with how they look in their own skin). In the wake of the divorce, Nick scores a huge #1 hit song while Jessica lapses into confusion, bombs her new album and is reduced to starting a girl pop group with washed up one-hit wonders, sister Ashlee and BFF Lindsay Lohan.

2. Beyonce dumps her dad as her manager claiming that he is unable to successfully promote her "ghetto hoodlum" and "sweet girl next door" images at the same time. In retaliation, Matthew Knowles turns Destiny's Child third wheel Michelle Williams into a huge international solo superstar. "Michelle doesn't need to be with da 'hood," says Matthew. "She's got the Saviour on her side... And by Saviour, I mean me, Matthew Knowles." Meanwhile, Kelly Rowland celebrates the opening of her new Denny's on 110th and Main Street.

3. In an attempt to resuscitate her career, Celine Dion names her new album "The Emancipation of Celini" and enlists the help of fellow Canadian Shawn Desman in the hopes of lending her some street cred. When asked what "emancipation" means to her, Celine replies "c'est comme.. I mean, it's like... um... when I can't go poop right?" She then proceeds to beat her chest and sing her new single, "We Belong Together.. aussi."

4. It is revealed that Ryan Reynolds only proposed to Alanis Morrisette because she declared herself bisexual and promised him plenty of threesomes. When she pledges that there will be no one else but him and her during their marriage vows he promptly tosses his ring away and goes out in search of Cynthia Nixon and Marcia Cross. This completely pisses Alanis off and she uses her anger to finally release the follow-up to "Jagged Little Pill" that everyone's been waiting for.

5. Jennifer Lopez boils over in frustration over how she dumped ex-flame Ben Affleck over his unwillingness to have a baby only to see him have a baby with new wife Jennifer Garner. She tries to conceive with new hubby Marc Anthony, but when he realizes that he is impotent, J. Lo turns to adoption only to discover that every single baby up for adoption has been taken by Angelina Jolie.

6. Katie Holmes wakes up to discover that she fell into a coma approximately three months ago when she was hit by lighting while watching an outdoor screening of Jerry McGuire. She smiles to discover that she is indeed engaged, only to realize that it is still to her long-time boyfriend Chris Klein and not dreamboat Tom Cruise like she had originally thought. She seeks out a tall pole on a rainy night to try and bring TomKat back. Reunited couple Nicole and Tom just sit back and laugh.
posted by Tim at 2:57 PM