Recaps, commentary, highlights of your pop culture favourites and mine! Email me: timmybopper@yahoo.com

 
"I really want Keith and Tara to win," I say to my friend Doris, "although I love Charla! I wish her and Keith could've won together..." And so begins our Paradise Hotel viewing party for the season finale of quite possibly the most superficial, bitchy and slutty show on TV - in other words, we were in for a fun night!

If my faithful blog readers (okay, my faithful blog reader) will recall, I predicted last week that the old guests would be the ones picking the winner. And of course, my keen sense of foreshadow proved correct, as Beauty and the Beast (Beau and Toni... you decide who's the beauty and who's the beast) came back to tell the remaining guests exactly that. Thankfully for Keith's chances, he picked to go all the way (to the final 4 that is...) with Dave and Charla. Even though Dave didn't deserve it btw.

Flashback sequence - scenes of Tara in her booty shorts, Tara in her "kissy kissy" underwear, Tara in a bikini... I am slightly drooling... scenes of Charla in her tight dress, Charla in her "runway" piece, Charla also in a bikini... drooling continues... scenes of Dave's flabby stomach, pasty chest and honkin' nose. Drooling stops. Regurgitation of my dinner begins...

I'm always up for characters redeeming themselves to me (ex. Chad in For Love or Money 2) but Dave just got more and more Pinnochio. No wonder his nose is so honkin' big! "I can't believe you would've betrayed Keith and Tara," pouts Charla. "Can you please be nice to them?" Dave shoots back his Britney look ("I'm not that innocent!") and replies "No. I want to be mad at Keith so I can compete with him!" Excuse me Dave? Don't make me get all Toni on you Mr. Competitive!

The remaining two couples give their speeches. Dave tells Charla he wants to fake cry. (I doubt he'll be fake crying once Toni lays it on him...) He writes a long speech filled with cliches about "learning a lot" and being "friends forever." I feel as though he is writing the valedictorian speech he always wanted to write but never got the chance (or the votes) to write in elementary school... and high school... and university. Or he thinks he's running for student council. He forgets that student council members just run the events - the money always went to someone else.

Keith starts reading a prepared speech but then puts it away to speak from the heart. He starts real crying. Kavita cries. Desiree cries. Wait.. is that a tear coming from Toni? No, she's just got something in her eye. She doesn't have any emotions remember? Everyone applauds Keith's speech. He is so going to win.

What to do? What to do? Tara's hot and all, but I want Charla and Keith to win! Too bad they're with different partners. Cut to scene of Alex, Beau and Andon talking. "I think Charla deserves it," says Alex. "I want her to win, but not with Dave... too bad we can't do anything about it...." And so my friends, in this not-so-clever attempt at subtle foreshadowing by the producers, we now know that my wish will come true. At the final "group" mug, hot host girl (whose name I forget) reveals that the 4 of them have to switch partners. Hooray for Charla and Keith who win! I am SO SO sorry for Tara who not only loses, but is stuck with Dave! (She tries to make a pouty sad face but it is not as effective as Charla's perfected pout and so I am unmoved by Tara's predicament).

Twist, twist! So apparently Charla and Keith hafta decide whether to keep their prize (a lousy $250 000) or split it with their original partner. Ah duh! They will totally split it! Charla is too nice to reject Dave (again) and Keith loves Tara and won't abandon her now. But my keen intuition stops here. I have forgotten how "twisted" (pun intended) this show is, so of course one of the couples will not be spliting the money. Fortunately for us, it is Charla who decides to keep the money... away from Dave... Dave pretends to be okay with the decision and vows to still be friends with Charla. Charla calls him on his "I'm lying" look. Dave says he doesn't know what she's talking about. He's lying. Whatever, he needs her more than she needs him. Toni pats Charla on the back for snubbing Dave. Charla almost falls down from the blow. Keith and Tara emerge from their "discussions." They have decided to share the money... with everyone... they are going to Las Vegas!!! Fireworks errupt and this time, I'm not referring to bitching and fighting. Paradise Hotel is over. Keith, Charla and Tara walk away with the money. Hot host girl walks into the camera and whispers something about Paradise Hotel 2. I can hardly contain my excitement.
posted by Tim at 11:43 PM